Values

So, I obviously was not able to make it in to class today (I am afraid the black plague has gotten a hold of me LOL), so I decided to write about my favorite object over here.

Unfortunately, I must be a very selfish unappreciative person, considering I cannot think of any objects that describe me, or one I absolutely love above all the others. Yes, I have my Juicy Couture Perfume, my Burberry wallet, and my Kate Spade handbag, but those are all just objects. They make you feel good for a little bit and then you want more. There are no true emotions stuck to those objects unless it was given to you by someone sentimental.

What I am going to write about today is my beautiful sister Sugars :) She is a yellow lab / hound mix... and yes... I consider her my sister!



When I was about 14 or 15 years old, I was living in Townsend. Where I lived was very boring, dense, and I was surrounded by fields. One day my dad randomly brought Sugars home, and he had found her at the Delaware SPCA. He tells the story, that as he came in to tell the SPCA she was the one he wanted, they had already started putting her to sleep. My dad apparently (I don’t know if it is completely true or not!) went and banged on the door of the room she was in and yelled "That’s my dog!"

Well, he got what he wanted because that same day he brought her home. At first my mom was furious because he just did this out of spontaneity and did not get her permission. When Sugars first arrived to our home she was extremely frail. You could tell she did not eat, and she had major anxiety and shyness problems. The first week we had her she just slept through, we thought maybe it was because they began euthanizing her and she maybe received some of the chemical. We ended up having to spend over $600 in medical bills for her. She had kennel cough, major ear problems, among other problems. Even today, we are still medicating her for her ear problems.

One particular memory I have of Sugars, during the time we first got her, was that she was ALWAYS able to escape from her cage during the day while we were all out. We ended up have to put over 4 locks on her cage, before she didn't squeeze out of it anymore. I mean, I suppose she was still malnourished and very skinny at the time and that is why she always succeeded. Well that was then!

We have had Sugars for about 4 years now. Let's just say, no more shy little innocent dog! She knows she is a part of the family and she loves it. At night, she sleeps in between my mom and dad, fighting them for their pillows. She waits to eat dinner until we do, she is always spoiled with treats and toys, and let’s not get started on the food people give her during the holidays! Sugars loves to go on trips with us in our cars, she loves being outside in general; unless it is raining or snowing, if that is the case than she either wont go out at all or she will run out and just run right back in. She gets many presents for Christmas, and we even wrap them because she loves tearing up the wrapping paper to open them.

We are so fortunate to have such an obedient, loving, playful, receptive dog. She is as sweet as can be, and a blessing.

I WANT I WANT I WANT

Make a list based on your age of things to do before your next birthday...for example, "22 things before I turn 22". Start doing them!

Considering I turn 20 in three days, it would be super difficult to accomplish the twenty goals that I would like. Because of this, I will make a list of twenty-one goals that I would at least attempt to start by the time I am twenty-one years old.

1. Start writing new poems that I can use for my own book in the future
2. Start writing music through the piano and guitar
3. Live out in a place of my own; even if it is just a cute tiny efficiency
4. At least be on one magazine cover, or in one magazine!
5. Star in a big picture film
6. Perform in a musical
7. Get to know my immediate family more
8. Learn how to SAVE my money and not spend it on everything
9. Work enough to be able to afford a decent car! (I am sick of the wagon haha)
10. Start writing my first novel
11. Meet Gerard Butler *drools*
12. Learn how to swim under water without holding my nose LOL
13. Learn how to cook a decent dish
14. Learn how to sew so I can start bringing my designs to life
15. Go to NYC and see the broadway production of Phantom of the Opera and Chicago
16. See comedians Dane Cook and Jeff Dunham on tour
17. Watch Pitbull perform live
18. Meet Brian and Amanda from the Dresden Dolls again
19. Update my wardrobe
20. Get an IMac with a 36" screen
21. Invest in a camera and work on fashion photography

Yes, I have many hopes and dreams.
Yes, I believe I can fulfill them all.
But, probably not in a year!

:P

Self Portrait

So, if you have been to my facebook you have seen that I have TONS of pictures and portraits of myself. Trying to find a picture that truley is creative enough to portray who I am is not the easiest! :)



Even though this picture isn't necessarily anything special, I took it this weekend and the feeling I was experiencing out by the water is still fresh in my memory. The weather this weekend was absolutely incredible. It is amazing how the weather can change your mood or the way that you feel. During this day, during the very moment the picture was taken, I was just feeling the breeze over the water rushing over my body. The sun beating down on my face and onto the water.
If there is one thing I could suggest to anyone in this world, it is to just enjoy the little things. It is those small things that you get for free that give you the true happiness in life. The feeling you can get when you are just soaking in the nature around you is surreal, and I honestly wish I could show each and every person how to acknowledge it.

Mark Me Up

Write about tattoos, body modifications or what "physical appearance" means to you

I do not have any tattoos, but I do have a belly button ring. Honestly, I do plan on getting a tattoo sometime soon, I just feel like there is something special about them (as long as you dont receive a disease with it). I have decided on getting a small scorpio symbol, and I have a few possible spots I would like it. It would either be on the inside of my wrist, the back of my neck, or on my lower hip where not many people could see it. I dont really want it to show off or look hardcore, I am just proud to be a scorpio; a November baby. I dont judge people with tons of tattoos or numerous piercings. Who am I to say there is something wrong with them? Actually, who is society to tell us it is not normal? I admire people who get creative with their body because I feel they are confortable enough to go against the everyday social norms we have had created for ourselves.

Spilling it

Write about a time something spilled...sounds like a silly prompt: right until you try it.

When I think of something spilling I think about emotion. Sometimes I get myself into situations where my feelings are overflowing all the way onto the floor and into the hallway. Sometimes they are good, but it seems for most human beings it is the pain that spills out the most. Like most girls, I occassionally get super sensitive when I drink copeous amounts of alcohol (haha!). Last night was one of those nights. All the tears I cried could have been deep enough to swim in, that is what I was doing: swimming inside my mind. And some people may look at this as something sorrowful, but once I spilled out my whole life, I have never felt better.

Poverty

In this season where gratitude is of focus, reflect on a time you encountered homelessness or a homeless person. Is this an issue of concern for you? Why or why not?

When I went to Mexico I encountered my first homeless experience. I mean, I obviously knew about homeless people and saw them on TV. It truly is sad. Whether the person has a mental disability, or they are so sick and tired of life that they just want to spend all their money on alcohol. I do not like seeing people in pain, and I am one of those people who would try to help someone no matter what. Unfortunately you can only help those who are ready to change. I was about 11 or 12 when I went to Mexico on vacation, and I happened to take a bus with my family. Well, we arrived in the city of Monteray (not sure how it really is spelled) and had to take a taxi to the place we were staying. On our way from the station to the taxis there were so many homeless people. There was one woman in particular who looked so sad and helpless and I begged my mom to give her some money. My mom told me to never give out money to a homeless person with others around because than all the others will fallow you and beg.

Another time I ran into a homeless person was in Baltimore. I was with my family at the inner harbor and a man was sitting on the sidewalk. We gave him a decent amount of money to try and help him out, and we later saw that he spent it on alcohol. Of course we were upset, but in a way I was more disappoined than anything. I just think it is so sad to be stuck in a situation like that. Even if the person wants to live that way, I feel people who make a living off of begging for money and choose to live on the street are ill and just happened to travel down the wrong path.
I think America needs more facilities to help these people. Not just to feed them, clothe them, and bathe them, but a rehabilitation center that provides them counseling and classes to teach them how to use their full potential.

My Age

I would have to conclude that the worst thing about my age right now is that it does not have much significance. I am 19 and will be turning 20. Neither age can really advance me in any ways. I mean technically, turning 20 will get me into Adult World, although I haven't really had any interest in going there since I was about 17. Another thing that is kind of cool about 20 is that it could sort of be viewed as a stepping stone into my 21st birthday. Either way, when I look back, I think about when I was 16 and wishing I was 18, and then when I was 18 and wishing I was 21. I don't think I will ever feel satisfied with my age. I will either feel too young or too old.

My picture

This photo was taken when I went to Florida for the first time two summers ago. I only got the chance to go to FL once, but I really hope to go again soon. I fell in love with the clear warm water, the lively streets, the great food, and the beautiful wilderness. This particular beach I was on, in the photo, was located on Sanibel Island. This trip meant a lot to me. There were so many firsts for me during this week, including my first time on a plane and the first time I ever saw a real palm tree! I love FL and I love the island.

Statue of Social Consciousness

I just recently came across this statue the other day and I love it so much. I find it so sad, and empowering at the same time. Fascinating...

"Lady Godiva"

"Lady Godiva" by John Collier


"Lady Godiva" is a painting about a woman who rode naked through Coventry England to gain remission of the oppressive taxation imposed by her husband on his peasants below him. John Collier, the artist, focuses on portrait paintings, and I absolutely love his work. I absolutely adore this painting. I love the colors, I love the vulnerability Collier has shown through Godiva, and I love the contrast in the photo. Godiva is sitting up on her strong high horse with her royal blankets and her long thick hair, but she alone is bare and not happy. I find beauty in this painting.

Scary Dream

I already did the prompt for composition about my dreams, but I just woke up from the oddest dream. I just had to write it down.
I don't understand why I am still having nightmares at my age. They were supposed to end at like age 14. Anyway, here is what happened...

It all started on the internet. This man had sent me an email saying he wanted to be my friend, and he seemed very sweet so I added him. Well his profile ended up saying that he had a wife and children so I deleted him off of my friends list and courteously told him why I did it and that it was nothing against him.

Later that night I was leaving the grocery store with my mom, and I happened to get in the car before her. Well a smiling man came up to my door and held it open, and then he took out his key and tried to stab me with it. He was laughing “What? Are you too beautiful for me? You think you are too beautiful?” Apparently this was the guy from the internet, and he was using a fake picture online. I screamed for my mom and she ran into the car and we floored it out of the parking lot.

Later on in my dream I was sitting outside of my house with my father talking to my friend Allen. Allen was telling me that I missed the fireworks, and that they were so beautiful. By this point my father already knew about the stalker and was furious. So what surprised me was when the stalker came up to us and just sat down like he was my friend my dad seemed to like him. Even though I told my dad it was “that guy” he didn’t care and was just laughing and carefree.

The next day back at my house a bunch of crazy stuff went on. I would get random notes. For example, I woke up one morning and there was a bunch of stuff underneath the blanket by my stomach so I lifted the blanket to see what it was. I had a few screwdrivers, duct tape, wrenches, and other random tools laying there with a note that said something like, “You better be ready to use these when you wake up or I will.”

Well I freaked out, got up, saw my brother and his girlfriend and told them we needed to get going. Well all these interferences started to get in the way and I wasn’t able to leave. Finally our power started flickering out and I knew he was near.

After this happened it was a little vague to me, I mainly remember the last part of my dream where I ran outside with two of my friends from this stalker. While I was running he took a quick slice to my shoulder, trying to prevent me from going anywhere I suppose. By this time in the dream I was not in first person, I was watching it as if it were a movie. He also stabbed my two friends, one in the chest and the other in the stomach; he did kill them. Next thing you know I can see myself climbing through the fence.

After that it was all done with and I never heard from him again (which could be because I woke up! Haha)


So please tell me why I am always dreaming that these random men are trying to hurt me, and chasing me, and why they are actually stabbing me in my dream. It is always the same theme, just different weapons, different men, different places. This dream affected me to the point that I was still scared when I woke up and was downstairs. And I am still a little frightened. Hmmm.

Week 2 Post

Prompt 1: What do you dream about?

My dreams can definitely vary. Some good, some bad. It is always easier to remember your bad dreams over the happy ones. Sometimes I just have neutral dreams as well. For example, I will dream I am at work doing the same thing over and over again; those dreams are no fun when you always work! I have day dreams as well :) They usually consist of money and power, like most I am sure.

I have had so many terrible dreams though. One night I dreamt I was running through a house and I was running from a man with a needle. It was one of those dreams where you are still somewhat conscious, so you are doing everything you can to die and wake up. I tried jumping out of the building, among other things. Well no matter what I couldnt die, it wasn't until the man finally caught me and stuck me with the needle that I awoke.
Another scary dream I had when I was a about 13 or 14 took place in the same bedroom I was sleeping in. I saw a man trying to come through my window so I tried to hurry and lock it but it was too late, and while I was at the window he had grabbed ahold of me making his way through. As I was trying to push him out he was stabbing me in the leg. I just remember pushing and pushing and it just hurt more and more. Why I pushed and didnt try to pull away I dont know...
Come to think about it, I had another dream where I was walking in the dark and somebody stabbed me in the stomach, except in this dream I didn't feel pain, I could only see.
I have dreamt of getting in car accidents and I have dreamt that I was watching myself drown, but in most of my dreams I am running. Running from a man.

Prompt 2: Jealousy

I had always been a jealous child. It lead me to steal and do some bad things. It all started when I was about six years old. I always felt that my momom cared about my cousins more than me, and it made me very jealous. I was a very sensitive child and I pretty much took everything personal. Well my cousins would come to my house with their cool clothes and their Lisa Frank stickers and I got fed up with it, so I took the stickers when no one was looking and threw them away. Once I started I couldnt stop. I would steal their stuffed animals, their barbies, and I was always taking more stickers. Finally the breaking point was when I stole something very special from someone else, that  I love so much. It lead that person to cry, I stole something that meant so much to them, it was an icon of their life, it was the only thing they had left to remember their love. After seeing this my month of stealing came to an end, and so did my ability to become jealous.

Week 1 Posts

Prompt 1: Have you ever made somebody cry?
I believe that each person out there has somehow made somebody cry, whether they made someone cry tears of pain or tears of joy. Personally, I hate to say that I have made many people cry; including my exboyfriends and myself.

I don't know what it is that makes my relationships not work. Maybe I am just too young, maybe I am too naive, or maybe I am just not meant to be with anybody at the moment. My heart is always open which leads it to become viciously attacked. Most of my boyfriends see that I go into a relationship whole hearted and devoted. I like being devoted to somebody, it lets me know that I am making another person happy; possibly someday a special person I will love. Most men see this vulnerability and they figure I will be here for them no matter what. Well what they don't realize is I am a caring person, not stupid. I always end up getting cheated on or lied to, either that or I get a boyfriend who is possessive and obsessed. Either way, they mess up and then realize that they really screwed up. Once they have come back to their senses they want me back, and no matter how much I wish I could just take them back and act like nothing ever happened, I won’t. This leads to tears from the opposite sex. Hopefully I'll be able to find someone who can be as devoted of a person as I am some day.


Prompt 2: Scariest Experience
 I have had my share of scary experiences. Whether it was at age 14 when I realized there were footprints in the bushes right in front of my window, when I was "mudding" in Pennsylvania and my friend almost flipped his Wrangler down a hill with me in it, finding out that my grandmother had Cancer, being forced down and threatened by my exboyfriend, or maybe even from a nightmare I used to have. They are all scary to me, but my most recent experience happened yesterday.

I was headed to my friend's house for breakfast while it was lightly misting outside. I went around a bend on the road only minutes from my neighborhood and I spun out of control. While I was spinning all I could think about was how helpless and at mercy I was. I ended up sliding into a ditch and my side of the car slammed against some trees and shrubbery. It was so terrifying to me, even though I managed to only bump my shoulder.

Prompt 3: I regret....
 I have learned not to be so naive and trusting in strangers. I have learned that you can't change someone for the better, they have to change their selves. You can give them the tools for a better change, but that is it.

I spent a year trying to show him how I view love. I tried to show him what made me happy, and how to balance our happiness together.

But no matter how hard you try you cannot really show anyone anything. You can put it in front of their face, but they can just look right through it. You can act emotional to someone, but only that person can choose which way to take it.

I have learned not to spend all of my time with just one person, hoping something will bud and become beautiful. I have learned to only spend my money on me. I have learned that something beautiful can be taken away in the flick of a switch.

And I have learned that life goes on.

With or without him.

A few love poems I wrote...

GOOD NIGHT TO YOU
Your beauty pours all over me
Leaving me warped with no words to speak
I gaze as your grace falls onto the earth
Making it stunning and full of existence

The lust flickers inside your eyes
As you stare into mine
Our admiration is like a fire…
Yearning to become more and more…
Strong and content
Pleading to stay with us eternally and evermore

Together we are unbreakable
Unmistakable
Your allure carries you everywhere you go
Leaving me left in your shadow
But inside your silhouette I feel so cherished
My whole world could vanish in front of me
Yet I wouldn’t detect a thing

Staring at your soft brown hair… your flushed azure eyes
You put me in a trance
And leave me to be in awe of your integrity
Your decency, your civility to be with me
That’s right; you are with me
And if only you could see how that makes me feel

You are a rose
Wilted and weak
Sturdy and sheik
You are an ocean
Poised and mysterious
Deep inside yourself, your mind

You are the sun
Blinding anyone who comes in site
You are a star
Vivid and fiery
Colorful and brilliant

Your smile glows like the midnight moon
While all the stars shine down at you
Don't tell me to leave yet, it's too soon
I never want to say goodnight to you.


I NEED IT
One touch
One breath
I can’t get enough
I need more…

You make my belly butterfly
While you hold me in your arms
I just close my eyes and plead for more
While you chase away all my harms

Feeling your heart beat in my hand
Makes me feel so alive
Feeling your hand placed in mine
I need you to survive

I want to be you breath
Your Earth, your sun, your air
My heart has been in theft
And I don’t even care

Breathe on me
Dance with me
Laugh with me
Cry with me
Feel for me
Feel on me
It’s only meant to be

I need it… I need you


ROSE
So delicate
Like the feeling of a young ones memory
So tranquil
Like the birth of a breathtaking waterfall
So vibrant
Like the verge of existence to all humanity
So captivating
Like the essence of the alluring Garden of Eve
This is you
That you are
The rose

Vanishing

(So I have decided to update a few poems I had written when I was still in highschool. I don't write as much as I used to, but I am so excited to get back into it again.)

Tears don’t mend the pain
Love doesn’t help the heart
It all just stays the same
It all just falls apart

No one believes her cries
They perceive right past her eyes
Scratching at her wall
Her reflection begins to fall

She sits in wonder as she stares at the glass
Her skin so tender
The effect so fast

But who is there to save her?
Who will save her soul?
No one’s there to save her
She’s all alone…
…she is fading away…
She is all alone.